The power to choose love (even with hurt feelings)
Welcome to humankind! We all have LOTS of hurt feelings, and this is unlikely to change anytime soon.
The problem arises when these feelings come from the unfulfilled scripts we made for others—leading us to feel victimized on the regular, even by people we love and who love us.
If we aren’t careful, these feelings degenerate into conflict, passive-aggressiveness, nagging, and controlling behaviors—which then create toxicity in our relationships.
This happens in subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways. For example, I recently got my feelings hurt because a friend of mine had declined some of my recent invitations to spend time together.
In my mind, she SHOULD want to spend more time with me.
In fact, a (childish) part of me felt she OWED me to hang out more.
This triggered this unconscious process within me:
I felt emotionally rejected;
As an automatic defense mechanism against feeling rejected (which my mind interprets as a put down), a part of me started to harbor some negative thoughts about my friend, putting her down and judging her in my own inner narrative;
I showed irritation towards her in a completely unrelated context (a group conversation with other friends). This was another way of putting her down as an automatic defense mechanism (like #2 above), but this time, I acted out outwardly rather than inwardly.
When I became aware of this chain of events, I realized that my untold scripts and expectations towards my friend (derived from childhood patterning) had led me to emotionally isolate myself from her, turn her into an “enemy” in my mind, and eventually treat her unkindly.
In the macrocosm of society, this common phenomenon is the beginning of all violence.
Think about it. Aggression always starts with someone getting their feelings hurt, and dealing with it from a place of entitlement and revenge, rather than love, forgiveness, and/or rationality.
My passive-aggressive behavior in reaction to instances of perceived rejection was the source of my social isolation in childhood and adolescence. As I’m growing older, I am realizing deeper than ever that I am 100% responsible for changing this pattern, as a prerequisite for a deeply connected and love-filled life.
I’m also realizing, with gratitude and relief, that I ALWAYS HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE LOVE, and that this is the ultimate freedom.
With my friend, I decided to “break the spell” of separateness and to share what had happened.
I explained my realization without blame;
I apologized to her for my passive-aggressive behavior;
I expressed my heartfelt desire to spend more time with her, because I really like her as a person; AND
I let go of the agenda that I had put upon her as a condition for my love and kindness towards her.
In other words, I decided to decouple my love for her from my demand or expectation that she act a particular way.
The truth of the matter is: genuine love requires putting down our ego—the part of us that treats other people like “needs-fulfilling machines”.
We must call people in from our hearts, not from the agendas we have made for them.
Creating strong, authentic emotional bonds has to come from a MUTUAL desire to care for one another’s heart… it cannot come from control.
And the best way to stoke that mutual desire is to put our pride aside and love without demand.
In my experience, this is the fastest path to deep personal freedom and heartfelt connection with others.
Interrupting the cycle of “hurt feelings -> automatic hurtful behavior” means we take 100% responsibility for our emotions, and have adult conversations about what we desire from one another… with the understanding that no one “owes” us anything.
This is not an easy thing to do—but I consider it the only true remedy to our loneliness epidemic AND to a violent, conflict-filled society.
A few caveats:
I’m not talking about abusive relationships here. It’s important to invest our time and energy in people who treat us with respect, and have healthy boundaries towards those who don’t. Decoupling expectations from love does NOT mean we let anyone treat us like a doormat or abuse us!
Of course, a person’s behavior will affect what styles of relationships we design with them. For example, someone who rarely wants to connect might be more of an acquaintance than a close, inner circle friend.
If a romantic partner or a friend doesn’t respond to our bids for connection, or acts in ways that are incompatible with love and mutual care, it might be time to take a deep look at why we’re choosing to be together and what’s blocking the flow of connection.
In sum: Let’s not let hurt feelings run our lives and manipulate the people we love into compliance with our scripts!
Let’s exercise our power to choose love and create a more loving world, one relationship at a time.
With love,
Marie xo
