Narrative coherence and mindful dating

Dating, if we pay close attention to ourselves while doing it, should be everything but a shallow or soul-sucking activity. If fact, it could lead to deep healing, integration, and soulful confidence building.

I was recently working with a client on his online dating profile. The process of creating an assortment of text and media (pictures, video, and/or voice notes) for the purpose of communicating to the world who he is, and what interpersonal connection means to him in a romantic context, became the site of deep internal work around his sense of identity and his vision for love and partnership.

This meaning-making process also uncovered parts of his life and self that he had disowned and unconsciously shoved under the carpet for fear that these parts would repel potential partners . Reconciling these areas through the conscious creation of empowering and coherent narratives took great courage, but it has since led to deep psychological integration, more confidence and serenity, and ultimately, go figure—better dates!

Throughout this process, I realized that narrative coherence was at play in our work. Narrative coherence is a psychological concept that refers to "the overall completeness of the narrative that helps us draw meaning from past events". Research has shown that narrative coherence is deeply connected with secure attachment, which has everything to do with our capacity to develop secure emotional and romantic bonds.

If parts of our story have been disenfranchised, and feel absolutely confusing to us, then there are parts of our heart where no one can go—not even ourselves—and we might always feel like the levels of intimacy and love we crave are inaccessible.

Dating mindfully can provide us with unparalleled opportunities to strengthen narrative coherence. When we date, the places where coherence is lacking are illuminated, often painfully so—but we are also given the opportunity to choose empowering narratives and meanings about ourselves.

Supporting folks with this process is a big part of my work as a dating & relationship coach. The process of consciously communicating about ourselves, to prospective dates and to the world, can be a deeply empowering process that ripples out positively in all areas of our lives.

We can use all of our dating interactions to illuminate where we lack a sense of inner coherence, and build empowering meaning-making about ourselves. This includes creating online dating profiles, having authentic conversations, communicating clearly around our desires and boundaries, making sense of our emotions, and more.

The most healing way to deal with hardship is to build coherent and empowering meaning. Recent psychological research shows that it’s not adversity that makes us stronger, it’s our ability to develop and maintain a solid sense of identity and values in the face of hardship that does. This is how we can become the hero of our own story.

In other words, painful events don't have to block us from love and intimacy. We can use 'positive defiance' and intentionality to shift disempowering scripts. Working to heal the narratives we cultivate about ourselves can change the course of our lives.

This process also ripples out into the collective; dating & relationships have deep evolutionary implications.

The best part is that focusing on the process of dating yields immediate positive outcomes. My clients often report that taking the mindful dating approach increases the caliber of folks they magnetize, and improves the quality of connection they experience on dates—often leading to long-term, fulfilling romantic relationships.

So, let's use dating to create healing, kindness, peace, and sanity to ourselves and to the world!

Much love,

Marie xo